Gandhi said, “nobody can hurt me without my permission.” He was conveying that we receive stimulus: words, smells, sights, et cetera, with limited ability to control what happens around us. What he was emphasizing in this aphorism is that we fully control what happens in our internal space.
There are myriad things that can boil the blood or stir the pot. There are endless injustices that can consume our state of mind. But we actually decide which ones ripple the internal pond of stillness that is ours to maintain.
If a 4-year-old tells you that you’re stupid, your cognitive apparatus understands that this child doesn’t comprehend what stupid is, and that it’s more likely the child is trying to be playful and start some wrestling. If a mad person on the subway tells you that you’re stupid, your cognitive apparatus similarly injects a logic that prevents this comment from seeming valid to you. What if your boss tells you that you’re stupid? What if it’s your partner?
We give more weight to the opinions of those we cannot reject out of hand. We intellectualize their opinion for their merit, and emotionalize their comments for their intent to harm, embarrass, or achieve some hurtful aim. What has that comment, from the child or the adult, really done? Has it altered reality? Has it dealt a setback?
Humans seem to be highly susceptible to the opinions of others, and as such experience much distress when one’s self impression is at stake. Moreso when it’s a publicly expressed opinion and one’s reputation is similarly challenged.
Will Smith assaulted Chris Rock upon hearing a joke about WS’s wife’s baldness, which happens to be factual. He was upset not that his wife’s baldness was revealed, as this was announced publicly in 2018, he was upset that CR called her GI Jane in a public forum, ostensibly solidifying her stature as being a bald woman.
This line would be part of a celebrity roast, which quite profoundly, is where people purposely subject themselves to public ridicule of this kind. People would laugh and congratulate each other for such a witticism, even though this one wasn’t overly clever.
WS obviously has a weakness in his emotional fortitude that permeates his intellectual being, resulting in a absurd and overblown response that for many would result in incarceration. He is obviously being human.
If this comment was delivered by a child, a mad person, a family member, or during a celebrity roast, where these comments are deemed more acceptable and internalized differently, there is no resultant poor response. But there is no forum where comments like this change reality and cause real harm. Someone added lightness to a fact. A bald man doesn’t like be to noticed as bald, but it doesn’t change the fact that one of his characteristics is a bald head, and coming to grips with that prevents any silliness, as was witnessed.
Coming back to Gandhi, your internal pond is entirely yours, and only you can toss in a pebble that makes it ripple. We have trusted confidantes who help us to understand ourselves and the world, but even they are not given pebbles to toss into our ponds.
When something seems upsetting, it’s perfectly natural to feel upset, and it is also natural to want to respond. Do not allow your internal pond to be anything but still and placid, and do not respond to upsetting things using your upset self. Be the captain of your vessel and before reacting or responding to anything, first ask yourself, “what is the outcome I want to achieve”, and let that guide your response.
