When relationships end, there is a natural tendency to pull apart and sever the link that is a relationship. Sometimes this is done out of hurt or spite, sometimes for self protection, and sometimes as a societal norm. This makes sense so that parties can proactively make room for whatever things they needed and did not receive. A complete severance is not always needed, but in many cases it is. This is not the topic of this blog.
I think that love is not something that is made in the relationship. It is not a “relationship-specific asset.” Love is everywhere, in all directions, and a unique and wonderful-feeling love was probably enjoyed during the relationship. The romantic love can no longer be shared when a romantic relationship ends, but the many other forms of love can endure, and quite frankly should, provided the dynamic was healthy.
With the help of our hormones, we fall in love. We don’t choose who we fall for, we just fall. And loving someone has never led to a broken heart. What can causes pain is how the love is and is not expressed or shared. This is 100% determined by loving behaviours and not love. Behaviours can cause hurt, not love.
This can be elaborated much more, but for the sake of brevity, the conflation we create between love (noun) and loving behaviours (verb) serves us poorly. Behaviours determine whether relationships should and should not continue. Love is an innocent bystander that is shot when upset stemming from behaviours provokes vengeance or ill feelings.
It is okay to love what you cannot possess. It is okay to love what you don’t even like. It is okay to love without limit, including people with whom you no longer share closeness. To honour yourself, feel the love you have and accept it. You don’t need to change your behaviour to love something in action (verb) when your love exists (noun).
