Somewhere in the West, we developed this notion that life can properly begin after some anchoring situation that requires life inertia until such time. This is painfully sad to hear.
The primary anchoring situation is kids. I cannot possibly pursue the life I want because my kids are fixed in a community and I don’t want to upset them. I’ll start my life when the youngest goes to university. This is noble and even necessary for kids that are fragile and have a precarious inability to adapt to change. However, kids are notoriously adaptive, and more importantly (1) people benefit from change, and (2) kids benefit from strong parenting models that demonstrate how living ought to happen.
Change and challenge are the forces that bring growth. In fact, evolutionary fitness is defined as being adaptive to change. So while we want to prevent little Timmy and Jenny from experiencing discomfort, we fail them as parents by not subjecting them to meaningful and challenging change that requires them to learn new routes, meet new people, understand different norms. Really, can you be said to properly raise a child without exposing them to such simple and necessary things? The absence of this is what is called a crisis in resilience. The upcoming generation is unable to withstand even mild variance in their lives due to extreme homogeneity in life and an absence of challenge and struggle. It is imperative that we allow our children to experience, and manage though, change.
Life is meant to be lived today. When we have children, this does not change that edict. Children are meant to accompany you on your life; adults are not supposed to revolve their lives around their children and make needless sacrifices for their intended benefit. What do you teach when you really want to live in Paris or Bali, but do not? Or that you want to start a new venture, but do not? You are teaching that life is meant to be lived for others, and more profoundly, that adults ought to make proactive sacrifices for children who neither want them nor benefit from them. It is well established in psychology that this is quite harmful. You must represent yourself in this lifetime. This teaches your children to represent themselves. Any alternative to this will teach intergenerational sacrifice that is needless, harmful, and ensures the smallest form of living possible for every subsequent generation.
The next dominant anchoring situation is money. I cannot possibly start a new venture because I can’t pay my bills. Or, I cannot start enjoying my time until after I retire and have no financial worries.
Everyone has their own relationship with money and financial security, which unfortunately is mostly couched in fear. In the West, money is not a reason to avoid pursuing a dream or enjoying your life. There are endless supports for people who are in financial trouble, but the odds of needing that given the availability of investors, partners, family, friends, associates, etc. is small. If you are not up to your eyeballs in debt and payments already, for which you can legitimately be scared and ignore this advice, there are countless ways to earn money and take risks, more now than ever with the proliferation of remote work and the availability of funding from international sources. This is not a blog about securing funding, but it’s out there, as are people and opportunities. Money is not a reason to avoid living today.
Health is a tricky anchor, and a general prescription cannot be reasonably made. In decision science, the difference between a great outcome and a poor outcome is often the identification of which variables are changeable and which are not. Quality healthcare is available globally. Sick people do not need to remain in place. There is plenty of living to be had in between treatments and periods of convalescence. Don’t let what you can’t do stop you from what you can do. This applies to the sick and their caregivers. The meat in the sandwich of life must live today. Their journeys are accompanied by their loved ones, same as it’s always been, not subsumed by those of others.
Life anchors are not only artificial and based on fear, but are maintained to the massive detriment to those watching and living within those decisions. It’s better to regret living, and what you are waiting for is not real and totally insignificant. It’s crazy to have to hear this (no?). LIVE YOUR LIFE!
