Category: Becoming

Love Doesn’t End at Possession

When relationships end, there is a natural tendency to pull apart and sever the link that is a relationship. Sometimes this is done out of hurt or spite, sometimes for self protection, and sometimes as a societal norm. This makes sense so that parties can proactively make room for whatever things they needed and did not receive. A complete severance is not always needed, but in many cases it is. This is not the topic of this blog.

I think that love is not something that is made in the relationship. It is not a “relationship-specific asset.” Love is everywhere, in all directions, and a unique and wonderful-feeling love was probably enjoyed during the relationship. The romantic love can no longer be shared when a romantic relationship ends, but the many other forms of love can endure, and quite frankly should, provided the dynamic was healthy.

With the help of our hormones, we fall in love. We don’t choose who we fall for, we just fall. And loving someone has never led to a broken heart. What can causes pain is how the love is and is not expressed or shared. This is 100% determined by loving behaviours and not love. Behaviours can cause hurt, not love.

This can be elaborated much more, but for the sake of brevity, the conflation we create between love (noun) and loving behaviours (verb) serves us poorly. Behaviours determine whether relationships should and should not continue. Love is an innocent bystander that is shot when upset stemming from behaviours provokes vengeance or ill feelings.

It is okay to love what you cannot possess. It is okay to love what you don’t even like. It is okay to love without limit, including people with whom you no longer share closeness. To honour yourself, feel the love you have and accept it. You don’t need to change your behaviour to love something in action (verb) when your love exists (noun).

Your Gatekeeping Role

Everything we do is done because of some underlying reason. Some are innate or subconscious, and so are excluded from this blog. The rest we do based on knowledge we find truthful. We find truth and value in a system of laws so we drive below the speed limit. We believe in benevolence so we give to charity. We hear that coffee is good for us so we drink it.

Our truths compel positive action and our truths also commit us to avoidances. We think it’s impolite to tell people to shut up, so we don’t, even when they really should. We believe in self determination so we don’t tell people that their life choices are crappy and harmful. We ‘know’ certain foods are unhealthy so we limit or avoid them.

This whole truth business is pretty darn important because they (and their coincident values) are behind everything we consciously do and don’t do, which is actually definitional of who we are. So what? Well, if truths are the building blocks of the identity, how the heck are we not acting as gatekeepers to ensure the information we receive is accurate, robust, and timely? How do we not regularly audit what we use as knowledge and fact?

The DIKW image here illustrates how data is used, and the details are more extensive than what is needed for this post. Just take note that there is a process by which nuggets of data become useful, and if this process is not used, we are being idiots. This is where prejudice and stereotypes happen, or people talk nonsense at dinner parties. These immature representations support mall shootings, bombing of innocents, and all sorts of malfeasance. It’s what creates divides among people and prevents peaceful and harmonious coexistence with each other, animals, and the environment. I know, it’s kinda the root of all problems and hence a big dealeo.

And so we end with an idea. Be vigilant in what you allow in as your knowledge. No, no, this is not a yah whatever resolution. Really be vigilant because allowing in garbage to form your truths, although seemingly innocuous, dictates who you are and how you’ll act. Also note that once you form a truth, you stop looking for truth, and when you stop looking, well, you can finish that sentence yourself.

The Power of Free Will

Lots of folks talk about the influence of genetics, nurture, environment, psychological trauma, or other exogenous phenomena as being deterministic in how we act. These things are certainly persuasive and sometimes difficult to combat, but free will is a stronger power, and it’s something we all wield. The only question is what we want to do with it.

In another post I’ve mentioned how people will wake up super early for a flight to a fun destination, smile convincingly through a bad mood at a business function, or stay up to ridiculous hours when the pillow talk is mesmerizing. There are always forces that will attempt to overwhelm our decision making ability: chronic pain, massive trauma, deep insecurity, psychological panic, to name a few biggies. We can choose to laugh when all circumstances are saddening; we can choose to love during times of great loss; we can choose to hug instead of hit. This does not attempt to alter the underlying feelings or state of mind, rather it trumps internal noise with the outcome best achieved. I call this being the captain of your ship. No matter the waves, no matter the mutinous voices of the crew, you are the one in charge and must choose what is best for the vessel.

So whether you want to disregard hunger pangs to drop some weight, or need to ignore some sabotaging internal forces that are destroying a relationship, the choice is yours. It’s called free will for a reason. The captain does what’s best for the ship and will be judged by the outcome ultimately achieved. You have the power to act in any way you want, so choose wisely.

Separate the Person From the Problem

I’ve been meditating on some guidance that is given to mediators, which is to separate the person from the problem and the process. While this seems like a platitude, let’s explore.

A person comes from lots of experiences, and from those experiences develops a series of truths. I’ve discussed this in other blogs. They then adapt their behaviours to coincide with these truths, which is quite logical, however the underlying truth is usually not. It is often coming from fear, and results in some very suboptimal adaptations. These adaptations become behaviours, and behaviours are the basis of living and relating to others, and if you’re following the logic, the behaviours are suboptimal and tend to play out self-fulfilling prophecies.

When a person shows up cautious, jealous, accusatory, or whatever other choice is unloving or uncaring, they are creating a problem. We can go so far as to say they are being a problem, as the expression is real and lived by others. This is where we split hairs, but importantly so.

The choice to behave in a certain way is a choice and represents one’s free will. Yes there are actions that are not choices, but adaptations are eventually understood as choices because we have the wisdom to see their outcomes, and the power to change them.

A prudent therapeutic and relational approach is to separate the person from the problem. The individual expressing or being a problem can be detached from the problem if they so choose and are provided support. The ADKAR method has been very successful in helping people to change, however a permanent change is not necessary in all instances; often to achieve a common goal, parties need only a temporary lift past an adaptive or emotional hurdle. This approach is very much like the Pygmalion effect, where if you treat someone in a particular way, they will respond as that thing.

Am I blabbing about a revolutionary thing? No. But the cognitive shift to see people as potentially distinct from the problem they are creating helps one to support a positive outcome that exceeds the adaptive limitation expressed.

This next blog section is slightly different, as it comments on relational dynamics where a personal problem is masqueraded as a relational issue. This can be in personal or professional dynamics. If someone is framing their personal issue as a relational issue, they must be told. A problem cannot be tackled if the origin is obscure as any joint approach to correct it will be misguided. In these instances, one must disown any ‘blame’ for or involvement in the problem and guide the offender to forms of support where the problem is theirs to address. If they refuse to regard their problem as their own and consequently refuse to address it, that dynamic must shift to reflect that refusal. This shift can sustain recognition of that person’s humanity and goodness, as detached from the problem, but you yourself must recede to a place where you are not wrongly identified as a combatant, trigger, or co-cause of that person’s problem.

A person ought to be cognitively detached from their problem and seen more holistically and compassionately. This is not for the purpose of acquiescence or sacrifice, but merely to keep your head about you while you attempt to support them in their own issue from a position of wisdom and safety. There is no reason to ever act without love and care for another person. There is a prudent reason to starve a problem of your time and energy. The magic is in seeing each separately and acting accordingly.

How to be Truly Present

Every guru and motivational poster tells you how to be present and the importance of it, which seems pretty sound. What they fail to mention or notice is that you’re already in the present, you’re just not doing a very good job of engaging in your present. This is partially because in any present moment, there are infinite opportunities to engage, yet only one thing that can receive your focus at once. Mindfulness is the practice of intentionally selecting which segment of the present to engage and offer your focus. But this is all very aspirational and frankly academic because what usually impairs your present is the injection of things that are (a) not temporally relevant and/or (b) not real.

The spiritual community seems to embrace the notion that what’s past is gone, and lamenting or regretting events past is a super way to not live in the present. Similarly, noodling on future events today such that they create a response in the present is another way to squander the present. The past is meant to fade away with lessons and memories that carry forward, and the future is meant for living in the future if and when it occurs. Neither of these belong in the present. It’s very easy to worry about paying your bills of next month, being shy at that event in 2 weeks, or how you’ll score on that exam next month, but we mustn’t. We must live in a manner that is sustainable today such that future concerns and outcomes are predictably neutralized.

The meatier topic is really whether something is real. What I mean by “real” is something that is material in an experiential way and is happening or certain to happen imminently. By definition, this eliminates symbology, potential, plans, intentions, hopes, promises, gestures, posturing…until they are actioned. This includes all what-ifs and other ruminations where people are mentally exploring, but what happens in the mind is not real. Reality is what is happening, not what exists on paper, in minds, or in fantasy.

Have you noticed that every time you’re involved in a role, you fuss about the future of that role? Whether you’re an employee, a romantic partner, or a student, you are fussing about ‘what-if this ends’, ‘what if I perform poorly’, ‘what if someone does something wrong’. That’s future-oriented thought, which is a spiritual no-no that impairs your present, but more profoundly, it’s not real. There is nothing about any of these ruminations that warrants thinking time. They are all ego-generated fears that are seeking an audience of your mind with the purpose of feeling better, which you entertain at the expense of your present, despite the fact that you actually have no control over any of these things and therefore would be better served participating in them fully by being present and not a worry-wart.

The same thing applies in all situations. If you are hiking or surfing and fear some danger, your entire experience will be tainted by incessant rumination of a mind concoction that is not real. Risks are indeed real, but not until they are real in action so there is no merit worrying about them because that worry does not mitigate the risk (despite what your scaredy-pants ego wants you to believe). Your head is not where life is lived, it is lived and experienced on earth.

When you find yourself worrying, ask yourself, ‘is this part of my present, and is it real?’ Real things may seem noisy and consuming, but really ask yourself whether it is material in your life at the moment in a real way or whether it is rather coming in the form of a potential, what-if, or symbol that may some day materialize but today is just speculation or noise. When you eliminate what is not real from reality, and focus on the present without that noise, you will find yourself far better able to maintain the stillness of your internal pond.

How to Live

Often folks will differentiate between existing and living, where the former essentially completes what’s in your calendar, and the latter follows something more meaningful. To able to pursue a meaningful life, I’ve created the image you see – here’s the lowdown.

  1. The ancient Greeks instructed us to “know thyself.” Polonius in Shakespeare’s Hamlet instructed “to thine own self be true.” Does this mean that we know we like to be comfy and thus ought to head to Lululemon to buy some sweats? Not quite. We are born untainted and untaught, and without the norms and values we acquire or the adaptations we make to pain and hurt. I have argued that our soul speaks to us as one of the many voices in our consciousness, and it attempts to steer us to the actions that are authentic to our being. We ignore it because we are taught to listen more seriously to what our peers expect from us and our parents impose on us, to name a couple. After all, we’ve got to pay the bills and save money to retire.

I have also argued that like every other thing in the multiverse we are subject to forces. Like magnetism, we are naturally drawn to and repulsed by things in ways that are beyond our control. I am drawn to pickles, mustard, and other vinegary things. I am repulsed by people dressing up animals. I didn’t learn these things, they’ve always been a part of me. Yes it is very likely that my vinegar attraction is related to my form and it’s needed to thin my blood, but either way , it’s not learned. It’s not based on fear or greed, which is what compels a great deal of human action today. Knowing thyself comes from separating what is natural to us as ourselves, versus what is learned or adapted. Doing this exercise requires brutal honesty because it’ll jettison most belief systems in a finger snap and create massive cognitive dissonance as a result.

Once you know who you are, and are a being of your forces and the universe’s will, your job is to be that. In fact your job or purpose is to be that as best you can be. If you’re a miserable crank because you were born that way, be that. Don’t try to be kind and upbeat because you are denying your being its role in the universal plan, and that will feel awful and phony. The ‘thinking-doing gap’ describes the gap between what people think and what they do. Like if they want to lose weight yet eat chocolate cake, that’s the gap. Being true to thine self means having the courage to be who you are despite the predictable reaction you’ll receive from your peers, parents, or society. Cyndi Lauper wants to see your true colours and you should too.

2. The next step in living is to decide how to act. Inside of you are many voices, often contradictory, to assist you to be seen in the best light while getting the best outcome. Colloquially you’ve got your heart, head, ego, soul, little devil (id), peer norms, societal norms, community norms, etc., all blabbing at you at various volumes, many of which are very convincing. You are the captain of your ship, able to hear all these voices and determine how you’re going to run your ship. You are able to set sail on a certain course and intention an outcome that takes everything into account and plots a course. Sometimes this destination is illogical, and that’s quite okay, as long as it’s…..true to you. As long as you’re representing yourself. Your job is to be you without fail, this step is about picking the way that’s most you, and let’s face it, you’re ridiculous.

3. Step 3 is taking action. I have many times stressed the importance of exercising your will in action, and how too much of life exists only in our heads. I have spoken about the couch of comfort, and that it takes decisive energetic mobilization to get off that couch. Action demonstrates your intentions in the strongest possible way by being unambiguous and in conflict with other wills.

I have also mentioned that regarding action, production continues to be a far more satisfying action than consumption. It is often a flow activity, and where we find the greatest bliss. Consumption is like eating. It feels good at the time but the experience and its consequent emotions are fleeting. Production (and flow) remove the barrier between us and our environment, and remove the notions of time and self, to provide an experience immersive and harmonious.

4. The final step is experience, which is both real-time and retrospective. This provides you with the feedback of what it’s like to be you in your environment, triangulated by whatever bystanders and judges wish to share as feedback. This is where you get to truly understand what it’s like to be you. That’s not to say that a bunch egotistical judges are a great experience, but you’re here on earth and this is what you’re in store for.

Experiences that don’t jive with our desires tend to motivate change. Don’t change. You can tweak the next time you think about your actions, but only to be more authentically who you are. The universe imbued you with your soul, and your soul is formed from the same matter that forms stars and planets. They’re all doing their job in fulfilling the will of the universe; do you think you’re better than a star? Perhaps you are because unlike a star, you can actually decide to be something different. Don’t.

Fear

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.” Winston Churchill uttered this famous quote as the Prime Minister of the UK during World War II, where the Germans would bomb London nightly to foment fear and break the spirit of the people. He feared not death, nor terror, nor loss of institutions or heirlooms or comfort, he feared fear. Why?

Fear is not what anyone or anything can do to us, it is what we create as we interpret external risks and threats. So fear is how we cripple ourselves and create a present that causes us to be edgy, erratic, and irrational.

Should we not be fearful of disease, crime, or meteor strikes? No. We should be aware and appropriately cautious, and once those measures have been prudently adopted, our present moments must be free of the fear that the ego wants to inject until those threats actually become realized, at which time fear is still not the appropriate response. In horror movies, what happens to the screaming fleeing person? They usually fall, alert the killer, or otherwise do things that create actual peril where there is little. The killer just walks calmly toward the flailing spaz and gets the job done. It is the fear that amplifies the danger, and the fear that prevents more productive responses to avoid harm.

Our fears are not just the big pronounced ones, like being a victim of a heinous crime, but they are small and insidious too. We fear being loved less, becoming less attractive, looking foolish, not fitting in, having our social media post ridiculed. We feel fear almost constantly and it causes us to act in outrageous and harmful ways. We buy things we cannot afford, say things that aren’t true, act in ways that certainly are not who we are, trash talk people, discriminate, hide from the world, turn a blind eye to injustice, or pretend to care about something because it’s a popular thing to do. And ironic part? Acting to avoid fears makes our fears come to fruition. It makes us lose friends, alienate family, go broke, waste time, get fired, become anxious, develop addictions, and so on. Fear is our greatest enemy, and we think it is our best friend and saviour.

Personally I’d rather live for one day absent of fear than for 10 lifetimes with fear. Fear makes us someone else. Fear makes us act detestably and sabotage our most cherished things. Fear dominates our present with future horrors, which we end up bringing on ourselves. If we spend our living years being fearful of death, we are already dead because we have killed our present. If we spend our hike fearful of a bear attack, we have already been attacked because our entire present was fixated on the emergence of the bear. So what do we have to fear? Fear itself.

When fear creeps in, you’ll likely know its presence. When you’re ready to stop living in fear, whatever it tells you to do, do the exact opposite. Literally the exact opposite. You don’t want to confront your mom because you fear it’ll break the relationship with your kids? If that relationship is so tenuous that it’ll end because of healthy conflict, it should end – so it can be built in a healthier manner. You are holding yourself hostage to a fear that is very likely unreal, and the gun to your head exists only in your mind. No matter what the fear, no matter what you believe the consequence, do the exact opposite. No matter the outcome, you will be living life authentically, presently, and no longer as a hostage or victim to what you believe is waiting to befoul you.

If Churchill recognized the paramountcy of the threat of fearful living while having bombs dropped on his countrypeople nightly, while the Nazis advanced and killed millions in awful ways and seemed poised to take over the world to impose eugenics, while the economies of the world were in shambles, while Italy and Japan were committing atrocities around the world, even after 7 years of brutal war merely 20 years after the last world war, he must have profoundly understood how fear is the most harmful force on the planet. He knew that fear is what underlies all evil, all intentional harm, all man-made suffering. And he knew that it’s what we do to ourselves.

Self Fulfilling Prophecies

Henry Ford famously wrote, “whether you think you can or think you can’t, you’re right.” And he was only just scratching the surface. The more apt sentiment is “perception is reality”, however it’s not limited to what one sees, it’s what one expects to see.

The notion of the self fulfilling prophecy (SFP) is analogized nicely in the ‘wood eye’ story. Our prophecies are not limited to our areas of high sensitivity, but span areas of vulnerability, hurt, fear, uncertainty, and anywhere else the ego seeks predictive assurance to lessen exposure to potential pain.

The SFP is a very sophisticated trick. The ego, always protective of our fragility and desire to avoid pain, attempts to figure out a cause for every painful effect we experience. I got cut off by an Asian driver, so Asian drivers are dangerous and avoiding them provides me greater safety. I got my heart broken by a blonde, so blondes are dangerous and avoiding them provides me greater safety. This impoverished form of thinking is obviously illogical, but we all create these stereotypes and hold on to them dearly. Why? Because humans are born fearful. Nobel winners Kahneman and Tversky proved that humans favour fearful thinking over productive thinking, so we’re just wired this way. But that doesn’t mean we need to listen to that silly logic.

The SFP is our prediction of what will happen based on our past experiences and the unconscious bias we have formed. Countless people carry these SFPs into new relationships, as past relationships are sources of hurt and future relationships are sources of vulnerability. So we enter into relationships with that hidden SFP that takes the form of reservation, caution, holding back, or snippy responses to things that didn’t actually happen. It looks at clues and forms of evidence to confirm what we suspected all along – this new person is evil, crazy, probably has a secret life that is intolerable. Okay that’s perhaps a little extreme, but the SFP takes the same approach. You are simply trying to falsify the positive attributes so that you can uncover the truth. Your truth. And then you have once again proven yourself a predictive genius and Sherlock Holmes contemporary.

What’s really happening is that you are not truly interacting with this person. You are interacting with a mental concoction of who this person is, and irrespective of what this person does in real life, your mental interactions, and your detached and suspicious behaviour, will craft the prophecy that you knew all along. And this is why people can give up. Not all _________ (insert group here) are bad. You make them bad by experiencing these things only in your mind, and sabotaging them in real life, and you create the circumstances that lead you to exactly what you predicted. And when seen from the outside, it’s pretty darn foolish to watch.

In another blog I spoke about our need to unadapt, which is to dismantle the psychological negotiations we have brought into existence to avoid pain and achieve more predictably enjoyable outcomes. Here I am saying we need to do the same for our faulty thinking. We need to dismantle all our stereotypes and beliefs so that whatever we encounter in life can be experienced in life and not just in our heads. Doing this exposes us to potential hurt, and our egos flex to avoid this, but the prize is too great to succumb to this fate. The gift of life is to enjoy all that is life; it is not a gift to hide from life and live in our heads.

Shrouded Priorities

Carl Jung, one of the pioneers of modern psychology, famously said, “you are what you do, not what you say you’ll do”.

It is seemingly easy to distinguish between thought and action. Or is it? Is a gift of jewellery a thought or an action? Giving a gift is indeed an action, but the gift itself, precious metals and gems, is often intended to express something by proxy like, “I worked for many hours to buy you this gift”, or, “I know you like to look sparkly so I hunted for something special and sparkly for you”. These kinds of embedded symbolism make actions more or less understood and appreciated by the recipient and by others who may have various interpretations on the symbolism contained within. The book The Five Love Languages does a good job outlining interpretative differences of this kind. What I find lacking in this book is a sixth love language called ‘intentions’. Our minds are busy all the time and thinking nice thoughts about a person and intending good things for them does indeed seem to be a way some people express love. I think Carl Jung would agree.

Why this matters is that in any relationship, a person often thinks they are contributing beneficially when there is nothing tangible offered or received. Nice thoughts, as nice as they may be, do not translate into a feeling of love. Abstaining from diddling the secretary does not translate into a feeling of love. Absurd as it may sound to need to clarify, some people need to wake up to the fact that wanting to make someone breakfast in bed will not be received the same as serving breakfast in bed.

Our free will is a glorious gift, and it allows us to choose among tradeoffs which, IMHO, is being. I can be kind if I am charitable and I can be mean if I harm things. Both are choices and by choosing, I am deciding the person I am. The power of this cannot be understated, nor can the fact that we can change our actions like a lightswitch for most things and be something else.

We make choices in a way that illuminates our true priorities. I call them “true priorities” because people often misconnect their actions and their outcomes, and I say “illuminate” because they are apparently not so clear all the time. If I’m trying to lose weight and I pig out on chocolate cake, am I truly trying to lose weight? Some would argue yes they are trying to lose weight but are having a oopsy moment. To that I’d respond that temporary insanity for chocolate cake is almost believable, but still doesn’t account for the motivation to diverge from the stated priority. Same for an alcoholic having a drink. If your goal is to stop drinking, but you celebrate your success with a drink, there is another priority lurking in there.

Let’s take more time to examine the things people do because many of these things seem to fall under the sensibility bar. There are situations where someone can abuse or neglect their partner repeatedly and then claim they are devoted to them. Nope. There are situations where someone can have chosen something in their lives (i.e. serious addiction, retention of unhealthy dynamics, participation in serious crime) and claim they are available for a healthy relationship. Nope. Whether these incompatibilities are misunderstood or misintended, they obviate the possibility of the outcome desired through unilateral action. Devotion to your abused partner is to take decisive and unwavering steps to extinct the abusive behaviour. Availability for partnership is permanently excising the dysfunction or crime they’d otherwise be embroiled in. Choosing to retain the abuse, crime, addiction and/or dysfunction demonstrates the true priority that exists. It is whatever that act is and not what is claimed.

Remember at the end of Breaking Bad where Walter White finally admitted that his drug kingpin aspirations were for him and not for his family, where this was his original intention? Skyler (his wife) came to understand this prior and knew his intentions and consequent choices and knew he was no longer a viable partner once his true priorities were clear.

People fall prey to promises, illusions and hopes and this becomes a contract in relationships without a exercise date. I will (one day) get help for my abuse/addiction/dysfunction. I will (one day) end dysfunctional relationships with my ex, or mother. When you stress me out less I will (one day) stop acting in rage. I will (one day) not prioritize work and show you love in action. The problem with these promises are that they are false and don’t reflect the person’s true priorities in action, they are just words. Their minds may know otherwise or may be tricking them too that these priorities are just temporary when they are reality. Priorities chosen are chosen for a reason and unless the reason goes away organically, the choices will remain. Losing weight to look good in a wedding dress will almost certainly result in weight gain after the wedding because it was linked to that priority. Someone not drinking when you’ve expressed an issue with it will have the drinking behaviours expressed secretively or delayed because it is your priority and not theirs.

If someone chooses to have an unboundaried relationship with their ex, or an unconstrained addiction that puts your future in peril, or brings around an abusive person who you feel ought to be forcefully removed from your property, their intentions and promises are meaningless when their actions are contradictory and consequently put you at risk. Both parties must wise up to what priorities mean in action and not delude themselves with hopes and promises.

For those facing their own priorities:

  1. Spend the time to see reality for what it is. Life is about tradeoffs and what you choose also dictates what you are not choosing.
  2. Acknowledge your true priorities as they are actioned.
  3. Determine if you want to live differently (achieve different outcomes). Do this with honesty.
  4. Take decisive steps to live such that priorities are expressed in action with consistency as they are prioritized.

For those struggling with the priority expressed by others:

  1. Spend the time to see reality for what it is. Life is about tradeoffs and what someone chooses also dictates what they are not choosing.
  2. Acknowledge their true priorities as they are actioned. Accept that these are their true priorities.
  3. Determine if you want to live differently (achieve different outcomes) for yourself. Do this with honesty with no expectation of someone changing.
  4. Take decisive steps to live such that priorities are expressed in action with consistency as they are prioritized.