Carl Jung, one of the pioneers of modern psychology, famously said, “you are what you do, not what you say you’ll do”.
It is seemingly easy to distinguish between thought and action. Or is it? Is a gift of jewellery a thought or an action? Giving a gift is indeed an action, but the gift itself, precious metals and gems, is often intended to express something by proxy like, “I worked for many hours to buy you this gift”, or, “I know you like to look sparkly so I hunted for something special and sparkly for you”. These kinds of embedded symbolism make actions more or less understood and appreciated by the recipient and by others who may have various interpretations on the symbolism contained within. The book The Five Love Languages does a good job outlining interpretative differences of this kind. What I find lacking in this book is a sixth love language called ‘intentions’. Our minds are busy all the time and thinking nice thoughts about a person and intending good things for them does indeed seem to be a way some people express love. I think Carl Jung would agree.
Why this matters is that in any relationship, a person often thinks they are contributing beneficially when there is nothing tangible offered or received. Nice thoughts, as nice as they may be, do not translate into a feeling of love. Abstaining from diddling the secretary does not translate into a feeling of love. Absurd as it may sound to need to clarify, some people need to wake up to the fact that wanting to make someone breakfast in bed will not be received the same as serving breakfast in bed.
Our free will is a glorious gift, and it allows us to choose among tradeoffs which, IMHO, is being. I can be kind if I am charitable and I can be mean if I harm things. Both are choices and by choosing, I am deciding the person I am. The power of this cannot be understated, nor can the fact that we can change our actions like a lightswitch for most things and be something else.
We make choices in a way that illuminates our true priorities. I call them “true priorities” because people often misconnect their actions and their outcomes, and I say “illuminate” because they are apparently not so clear all the time. If I’m trying to lose weight and I pig out on chocolate cake, am I truly trying to lose weight? Some would argue yes they are trying to lose weight but are having a oopsy moment. To that I’d respond that temporary insanity for chocolate cake is almost believable, but still doesn’t account for the motivation to diverge from the stated priority. Same for an alcoholic having a drink. If your goal is to stop drinking, but you celebrate your success with a drink, there is another priority lurking in there.
Let’s take more time to examine the things people do because many of these things seem to fall under the sensibility bar. There are situations where someone can abuse or neglect their partner repeatedly and then claim they are devoted to them. Nope. There are situations where someone can have chosen something in their lives (i.e. serious addiction, retention of unhealthy dynamics, participation in serious crime) and claim they are available for a healthy relationship. Nope. Whether these incompatibilities are misunderstood or misintended, they obviate the possibility of the outcome desired through unilateral action. Devotion to your abused partner is to take decisive and unwavering steps to extinct the abusive behaviour. Availability for partnership is permanently excising the dysfunction or crime they’d otherwise be embroiled in. Choosing to retain the abuse, crime, addiction and/or dysfunction demonstrates the true priority that exists. It is whatever that act is and not what is claimed.
Remember at the end of Breaking Bad where Walter White finally admitted that his drug kingpin aspirations were for him and not for his family, where this was his original intention? Skyler (his wife) came to understand this prior and knew his intentions and consequent choices and knew he was no longer a viable partner once his true priorities were clear.
People fall prey to promises, illusions and hopes and this becomes a contract in relationships without a exercise date. I will (one day) get help for my abuse/addiction/dysfunction. I will (one day) end dysfunctional relationships with my ex, or mother. When you stress me out less I will (one day) stop acting in rage. I will (one day) not prioritize work and show you love in action. The problem with these promises are that they are false and don’t reflect the person’s true priorities in action, they are just words. Their minds may know otherwise or may be tricking them too that these priorities are just temporary when they are reality. Priorities chosen are chosen for a reason and unless the reason goes away organically, the choices will remain. Losing weight to look good in a wedding dress will almost certainly result in weight gain after the wedding because it was linked to that priority. Someone not drinking when you’ve expressed an issue with it will have the drinking behaviours expressed secretively or delayed because it is your priority and not theirs.
If someone chooses to have an unboundaried relationship with their ex, or an unconstrained addiction that puts your future in peril, or brings around an abusive person who you feel ought to be forcefully removed from your property, their intentions and promises are meaningless when their actions are contradictory and consequently put you at risk. Both parties must wise up to what priorities mean in action and not delude themselves with hopes and promises.
For those facing their own priorities:
- Spend the time to see reality for what it is. Life is about tradeoffs and what you choose also dictates what you are not choosing.
- Acknowledge your true priorities as they are actioned.
- Determine if you want to live differently (achieve different outcomes). Do this with honesty.
- Take decisive steps to live such that priorities are expressed in action with consistency as they are prioritized.
For those struggling with the priority expressed by others:
- Spend the time to see reality for what it is. Life is about tradeoffs and what someone chooses also dictates what they are not choosing.
- Acknowledge their true priorities as they are actioned. Accept that these are their true priorities.
- Determine if you want to live differently (achieve different outcomes) for yourself. Do this with honesty with no expectation of someone changing.
- Take decisive steps to live such that priorities are expressed in action with consistency as they are prioritized.
