The Power of Free Will

Lots of folks talk about the influence of genetics, nurture, environment, psychological trauma, or other exogenous phenomena as being deterministic in how we act. These things are certainly persuasive and sometimes difficult to combat, but free will is a stronger power, and it’s something we all wield. The only question is what we want to do with it.

In another post I’ve mentioned how people will wake up super early for a flight to a fun destination, smile convincingly through a bad mood at a business function, or stay up to ridiculous hours when the pillow talk is mesmerizing. There are always forces that will attempt to overwhelm our decision making ability: chronic pain, massive trauma, deep insecurity, psychological panic, to name a few biggies. We can choose to laugh when all circumstances are saddening; we can choose to love during times of great loss; we can choose to hug instead of hit. This does not attempt to alter the underlying feelings or state of mind, rather it trumps internal noise with the outcome best achieved. I call this being the captain of your ship. No matter the waves, no matter the mutinous voices of the crew, you are the one in charge and must choose what is best for the vessel.

So whether you want to disregard hunger pangs to drop some weight, or need to ignore some sabotaging internal forces that are destroying a relationship, the choice is yours. It’s called free will for a reason. The captain does what’s best for the ship and will be judged by the outcome ultimately achieved. You have the power to act in any way you want, so choose wisely.

Separate the Person From the Problem

I’ve been meditating on some guidance that is given to mediators, which is to separate the person from the problem and the process. While this seems like a platitude, let’s explore.

A person comes from lots of experiences, and from those experiences develops a series of truths. I’ve discussed this in other blogs. They then adapt their behaviours to coincide with these truths, which is quite logical, however the underlying truth is usually not. It is often coming from fear, and results in some very suboptimal adaptations. These adaptations become behaviours, and behaviours are the basis of living and relating to others, and if you’re following the logic, the behaviours are suboptimal and tend to play out self-fulfilling prophecies.

When a person shows up cautious, jealous, accusatory, or whatever other choice is unloving or uncaring, they are creating a problem. We can go so far as to say they are being a problem, as the expression is real and lived by others. This is where we split hairs, but importantly so.

The choice to behave in a certain way is a choice and represents one’s free will. Yes there are actions that are not choices, but adaptations are eventually understood as choices because we have the wisdom to see their outcomes, and the power to change them.

A prudent therapeutic and relational approach is to separate the person from the problem. The individual expressing or being a problem can be detached from the problem if they so choose and are provided support. The ADKAR method has been very successful in helping people to change, however a permanent change is not necessary in all instances; often to achieve a common goal, parties need only a temporary lift past an adaptive or emotional hurdle. This approach is very much like the Pygmalion effect, where if you treat someone in a particular way, they will respond as that thing.

Am I blabbing about a revolutionary thing? No. But the cognitive shift to see people as potentially distinct from the problem they are creating helps one to support a positive outcome that exceeds the adaptive limitation expressed.

This next blog section is slightly different, as it comments on relational dynamics where a personal problem is masqueraded as a relational issue. This can be in personal or professional dynamics. If someone is framing their personal issue as a relational issue, they must be told. A problem cannot be tackled if the origin is obscure as any joint approach to correct it will be misguided. In these instances, one must disown any ‘blame’ for or involvement in the problem and guide the offender to forms of support where the problem is theirs to address. If they refuse to regard their problem as their own and consequently refuse to address it, that dynamic must shift to reflect that refusal. This shift can sustain recognition of that person’s humanity and goodness, as detached from the problem, but you yourself must recede to a place where you are not wrongly identified as a combatant, trigger, or co-cause of that person’s problem.

A person ought to be cognitively detached from their problem and seen more holistically and compassionately. This is not for the purpose of acquiescence or sacrifice, but merely to keep your head about you while you attempt to support them in their own issue from a position of wisdom and safety. There is no reason to ever act without love and care for another person. There is a prudent reason to starve a problem of your time and energy. The magic is in seeing each separately and acting accordingly.

Internal Stillness

Gandhi said, “nobody can hurt me without my permission.” He was conveying that we receive stimulus: words, smells, sights, et cetera, with limited ability to control what happens around us. What he was emphasizing in this aphorism is that we fully control what happens in our internal space.

There are myriad things that can boil the blood or stir the pot. There are endless injustices that can consume our state of mind. But we actually decide which ones ripple the internal pond of stillness that is ours to maintain.

If a 4-year-old tells you that you’re stupid, your cognitive apparatus understands that this child doesn’t comprehend what stupid is, and that it’s more likely the child is trying to be playful and start some wrestling. If a mad person on the subway tells you that you’re stupid, your cognitive apparatus similarly injects a logic that prevents this comment from seeming valid to you. What if your boss tells you that you’re stupid? What if it’s your partner?

We give more weight to the opinions of those we cannot reject out of hand. We intellectualize their opinion for their merit, and emotionalize their comments for their intent to harm, embarrass, or achieve some hurtful aim. What has that comment, from the child or the adult, really done? Has it altered reality? Has it dealt a setback?

Humans seem to be highly susceptible to the opinions of others, and as such experience much distress when one’s self impression is at stake. Moreso when it’s a publicly expressed opinion and one’s reputation is similarly challenged.

Will Smith assaulted Chris Rock upon hearing a joke about WS’s wife’s baldness, which happens to be factual. He was upset not that his wife’s baldness was revealed, as this was announced publicly in 2018, he was upset that CR called her GI Jane in a public forum, ostensibly solidifying her stature as being a bald woman.

This line would be part of a celebrity roast, which quite profoundly, is where people purposely subject themselves to public ridicule of this kind. People would laugh and congratulate each other for such a witticism, even though this one wasn’t overly clever.

WS obviously has a weakness in his emotional fortitude that permeates his intellectual being, resulting in a absurd and overblown response that for many would result in incarceration. He is obviously being human.

If this comment was delivered by a child, a mad person, a family member, or during a celebrity roast, where these comments are deemed more acceptable and internalized differently, there is no resultant poor response. But there is no forum where comments like this change reality and cause real harm. Someone added lightness to a fact. A bald man doesn’t like be to noticed as bald, but it doesn’t change the fact that one of his characteristics is a bald head, and coming to grips with that prevents any silliness, as was witnessed.

Coming back to Gandhi, your internal pond is entirely yours, and only you can toss in a pebble that makes it ripple. We have trusted confidantes who help us to understand ourselves and the world, but even they are not given pebbles to toss into our ponds.

When something seems upsetting, it’s perfectly natural to feel upset, and it is also natural to want to respond. Do not allow your internal pond to be anything but still and placid, and do not respond to upsetting things using your upset self. Be the captain of your vessel and before reacting or responding to anything, first ask yourself, “what is the outcome I want to achieve”, and let that guide your response.

Financial Independence aka FIRE

There’s a fair amount of buzz around early retirement and how to save 70% of your after-tax income so you can retire in your 40s or whatever. It’s very life-sapping to be beholden to an employer and give up life energy when you don’t want to, so let’s talk about how to become financially independent (FI). This ain’t gonna be like the other articles.

1. You are part of a system that normalizes a lifetime comprised of work readiness (school from ages 4 onward), and then work from ages ~18-67, whereupon much of your mobility and health has decreased dramatically. The money you earn during this time is cumulatively taxed more than 50%, and you pay mountains of interest expenses for your mortgage, credit cards, line of credit, car loans, etc. You work throughout your life and sacrifice experiences of all kinds for the vast majority of your time; you struggle to spend time with family and friends and use stimulants like caffeine to deal with your constant exhaustion. You can judge this however you want, but step 1 of financial freedom, for me, recognizes the perversity of and disgust for this system, and then utter refusal to participate any more than necessary. This is your intellectual and emotional motivation.

2. The reason you work so hard is because you want ‘the finer things.’ A ‘good life’. You want to achieve the signs of success, like status and recognition. You want stuff, and you want that stuff decorated nicely and glistening. Our egos compel us to keep wanting incessantly, only because they want what’s best for us. But all of this stuff, including the reputation and status is worthless and hollow. You must dispel the belief that spending money makes your life better, because FI is only possible when money is not your means of enjoying life, money is an enabler for experiences, not things. When you agree with this, you have spiritual motivation.

3. Next you need education. You need to read Rich Dad, Poor Dad. This brilliant book teaches you what smart people know about earning and using money. It teaches you that you don’t work for money, it works for you. It also teaches you how to invent income, where most invented income is passive and money just appears in your bank account. This requires some creativity and discipline, but the opportunities have never been better.

Then you need to read the 4-Hour Workweek. This teaches you how to leverage international resources to achieve your ideas and reduce your costs without you working for money. Let someone else do it for $4/hour or utilize the sophisticated automated options that exist.

4. Now you’ve got money coming in and you need to have that money earn money, so you learn how to invest and how to minimize taxes. If you can’t, you can hire someone good (make sure they are actually good) or use funds and services catered to the unsophisticated.

5. After this your only job is to not freak out or do something stupid. Don’t acquire a liability, don’t invest in a get-rich-quick scheme, don’t act like a big shot and buy expensive cars or houses. Rich people keep money and spend very little on anything but experiences, education, and health. People without money always attempt to prove how much they have by spending whatever credit are given – they have nothing. Simply don’t be stupid. You don’t need to live like a pauper and live painfully, you just need to create other forms of income. Write a book, make how-to youTube videos, make charcuterie boards or dollhouses, create a side hustle of your choosing.

As an “investor” or “business owner” rather than an employee, you will pay the least taxes, have the most time, enjoy the most choice and mobility, and feel a sense of freedom that feels better than 100 homes, 50 luxury cars, endless jewellery, and whatever else you think comprises ‘the good life.’ Like they say no food tastes better than being thin and healthy…no purchase feels better than being FI.

The best things in life are free; possessions own you. So if you can, traverse the steps above and be free. Then thank me when you’re on FIRE.

How to be Truly Present

Every guru and motivational poster tells you how to be present and the importance of it, which seems pretty sound. What they fail to mention or notice is that you’re already in the present, you’re just not doing a very good job of engaging in your present. This is partially because in any present moment, there are infinite opportunities to engage, yet only one thing that can receive your focus at once. Mindfulness is the practice of intentionally selecting which segment of the present to engage and offer your focus. But this is all very aspirational and frankly academic because what usually impairs your present is the injection of things that are (a) not temporally relevant and/or (b) not real.

The spiritual community seems to embrace the notion that what’s past is gone, and lamenting or regretting events past is a super way to not live in the present. Similarly, noodling on future events today such that they create a response in the present is another way to squander the present. The past is meant to fade away with lessons and memories that carry forward, and the future is meant for living in the future if and when it occurs. Neither of these belong in the present. It’s very easy to worry about paying your bills of next month, being shy at that event in 2 weeks, or how you’ll score on that exam next month, but we mustn’t. We must live in a manner that is sustainable today such that future concerns and outcomes are predictably neutralized.

The meatier topic is really whether something is real. What I mean by “real” is something that is material in an experiential way and is happening or certain to happen imminently. By definition, this eliminates symbology, potential, plans, intentions, hopes, promises, gestures, posturing…until they are actioned. This includes all what-ifs and other ruminations where people are mentally exploring, but what happens in the mind is not real. Reality is what is happening, not what exists on paper, in minds, or in fantasy.

Have you noticed that every time you’re involved in a role, you fuss about the future of that role? Whether you’re an employee, a romantic partner, or a student, you are fussing about ‘what-if this ends’, ‘what if I perform poorly’, ‘what if someone does something wrong’. That’s future-oriented thought, which is a spiritual no-no that impairs your present, but more profoundly, it’s not real. There is nothing about any of these ruminations that warrants thinking time. They are all ego-generated fears that are seeking an audience of your mind with the purpose of feeling better, which you entertain at the expense of your present, despite the fact that you actually have no control over any of these things and therefore would be better served participating in them fully by being present and not a worry-wart.

The same thing applies in all situations. If you are hiking or surfing and fear some danger, your entire experience will be tainted by incessant rumination of a mind concoction that is not real. Risks are indeed real, but not until they are real in action so there is no merit worrying about them because that worry does not mitigate the risk (despite what your scaredy-pants ego wants you to believe). Your head is not where life is lived, it is lived and experienced on earth.

When you find yourself worrying, ask yourself, ‘is this part of my present, and is it real?’ Real things may seem noisy and consuming, but really ask yourself whether it is material in your life at the moment in a real way or whether it is rather coming in the form of a potential, what-if, or symbol that may some day materialize but today is just speculation or noise. When you eliminate what is not real from reality, and focus on the present without that noise, you will find yourself far better able to maintain the stillness of your internal pond.

A Great Relationship

As a vast oversimplification, great relationships are formed from internal forces that cause strong attraction to someone (the soul’s contribution), a clear understanding of the relationship’s achievability (the brain’s contribution), and feelings of fulfillment and Beshert (the heart’s contribution). WIth these things present, relationships should be perfect, no? Unfortunately not. Because relationships can be sabotaged with unwelcome additions (your ego’s contribution).

As aforementioned, we create adaptations from which we need to unadapt to avoid bringing this baggage into our lives, and most often into our relationships. From our past experiences we harbour fears that turn into jealousy and attack. We harbour disgust that manifests as disinterest and avoidant attachment. We carry loss and abandonment that presents as neediness and inquisition. We were made to feel powerless and exploited and now respond with rage and accusations. These adaptations can and often do result in distorted cognition, which is commonly paired with other behavioural issues that impair and sabotage otherwise beautiful connections.

Relationships are comprised of two dots (people) connected by a line. When things are imperfect we presume there are relationship issues that need to be fixed. Very often the issue is one of the dots. The expression of a personal issue creates a relationship problem, but the relationship is not what needs to be fixed. Apparently it only takes 1 to tango.

If the universe has smiled on you and gifted you a connection that moves your soul, mind, and heart, and yet something is wrong in action, dig deep into that psyche of yours and deconstruct those protective and offensive mechanisms you’ve erected. They helped you cope in the past and really do try to help protect you from future pain in life, but like all barriers, as much as they protect you from bad things they also prevent good things from coming in and from you going out. All walls are prisons.

We all must accept vulnerability and know that a life lived includes pain. Pain is mandatory so accept it. But what is worse than a breakup or loss is never to have pursued what mattered and what the universe brought for you. Like the expression goes, ‘it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ Accepting this means that you dismantle your barriers, remove your sabotaging thoughts and behaviours, and simply go with the flow. When a negative thought emerges, and you want to protect yourself, the ‘no dictator‘ shuts it down, otherwise your baggage will impair and likely end what is sent to you for your complete, organic engagement.

What got you here won’t get you to where you want to go. Relationship lessons from the past are only useful in the same relational dynamics just like hatred for WW2 Nazis is not useful to Germans in your country today. Let go of the past and everything it taught you to do as it’s the only way to bask in the beauty of relational love.

Mind Control

I’ve spoken about the thinking-doing gap, which elaborates how our actions don’t always coincide with our desires. This is kinda funny, no? We can want to do something with ourselves, yet we fail. Totally funny. We are fully autonomous beings yet we cannot even do what we want. Still not seeing the humour? Somehow we defeat ourselves in a struggle for control, where something outguns our conscious desires. Ok, well at least agree it’s ironic. The reason for this is…..that we are not defeating ourself. We are actually winning for ourselves, but the opponent is not the conscious mind, it’s the subconscious mind, or it’s pal, the ego.

So to be clear, we will always do what we want, the gap is that we are not fully attuned to what our inner entities are seeking. When we want to lose weight but eat chocolate cake, it’s because the conscious mind’s desire to lose weight is outmatched by the subconscious mind’s desire to retain the weight. Sounds ludicrous, however, the subconscious is often a more potent actor in our inner cast of characters, and by holding on to excess weight it rescues you from attention, foregos risky opportunities, and helps to maintain your subconscious impression of yourself, which apparently carries excess weight.

Huh! So why do we procrastinate in assignments or go out partying when we should be studying? Why do we turn on Netflix when we know we shouldn’t? Same thing. We have an internal self image of who we are physically, mentally, economically, psychologically, and in all other dimensions. Studies show that distress builds more as we approach moments of growth than we have in moments of challenge. It seems that we will fight to maintain status quo, but when it’s time to graduate, get promoted, or otherwise ‘move up’ in life, our internal judgment wants to sabotage. Your subconscious is smart enough to know that maintenance of your internal self image is achieved one sabotage at a time. One assignment delayed. One exam half prepped. One “deserved treat” when dieting. And it’ll make you say “no” a zillion times using tricks it knows will work on you.

The subconscious is where all of our trauma and adaptations are stored. It retains its own worldviews and logic on things, which is often massively incorrect and totally detrimental to living a big and joyous life. It retains stereotypes, prejudices, and “truths”, all of which serve to protect you from your perceived harms and are really damn tenacious and hard to extinguish. We’ve all got these ugly beliefs and behaviours, and from an energetic standpoint, are really the embodiment and manifestation of the things you judged and experienced as negative, but didn’t release into the world but rather harboured yourself with your own protective cordon.

I called the subconscious more potent but not more powerful intentionally because the conscious mind can do anything it wants, and it really needs to be the captain of your ship. If you have surgery scheduled for tomorrow and you’re prohibited from eating or drinking anything for 24 hours, will you eat or drink anything? Absolutely not. Because your conscious mind can and will ignore the incessant nagging of your hunger and thirst because it senses from you when it’s time to take charge. In this example, surgery is a ‘big deal’ and so your conscious mind ensures that you are ready for that procedure. Funny enough we don’t need something so profound, just something meaningful to us. I’m sure we’ve all woken stupid early for some flight to the Caribbean because that’s super fun and important to us. So the bottom line, when something is important enough to our conscious mind, it can and will order our other internal entities to obey.

So how do we elevate importance? Good question. This is something that if it isn’t inherent, you won’t beat your subconscious in a debate. This is why diets can work temporarily but then revert back. Instead of trying to argue, there are two approaches:

  1. Take on that internal self image. Choose to be thinner, more educated, better dressed, super successful, whatever you want. Use the power of intentionality in meditation to bring things to you. Your brain cannot distinguish between dreams and reality, and so visualizing these experiences in your mind in rich detail makes your subconscious think it’s already happened, in which case it needs to accept it (which it may, after a very nasty fight). You can also use other complementary tools, like creating a slideshow of your life with your awesome boat, killer abs, emceeing excellence. Again, whatever you want. Make it as real as possible in your mind, and even feel the emotions as you cycle through your imagery. Perception is reality so teach that little jerk what your life now is and it’ll reluctantly come along.
  2. The second technique will always be needed, and I call this the “no dictatorship”. When a thought comes into your mind to do something that even hints at preventing achievement of your objective, you respond back swiftly in your mind with, “Not a fucking chance, no!” You don’t listen to the voice, you don’t argue with it, you don’t let it run its arguments, you immediately and decisively say, “Not a fucking chance, no!” When the inner voice tries more, you reply back louder and more clearly each time. If you can do this you are guaranteed to achieve your objectives, even in the absence of 1. above.

You’ve now got all you need to achieve any objective you want. All that’s needed is for you to disallow any undesirable thoughts and actions. Piece of cake. Another tip…if you want to minimize the number of times you must exhibit ‘no dictatorship’, whatever the temptation, remove it. If you’re dieting and have delicious salt & vinegar chips sitting in the pantry, don’t make yourself say no a million times. Get rid of the chips (I’ll take them) and then it’s no longer an option. If it’s Netflix, have someone hide your remote or take away your TV. One “no” is far, far easier than infinite “no”s.

But wait, what about things I want to do and prevent myself from doing? Of course we need to address how the ‘no dictatorship’ works for that too. Let’s say you set your alarm for 5:30am so you can go to the gym. You wake up to your shit annoying alarm and want to hurl it across the room. It’s pitch black and you’re bagged and you haven’t taken a sunny vacation in years. It’s freezing and awful outside and the last thing you want to do is haul your tired body to the gym. BUT, this is the will of your conscious, and your conscious will overcome everything if knows it’s important.

The ‘no dictatorship’ says no resoundingly to all the voices that persuade you to stay in bed, stay warm, drink coffee leisurely. It rages back with ferocity to refuse any stupid saying, like “I’d rather enjoy my life and die younger than do this”, because we know that’s not true. Your conscious mind chose this activity to achieve the outcome you want in life, and nothing will stand in the way. You entertain precisely zero of these voices, and rather state, “Not a fucking chance, no!”

Before signing off I want to add another nugget of strength to your ‘no dictatorship.’ Our internal voices want us to do all sorts of things that are improper and incorrect and lead to suboptimal outcomes. It wants you to believe in your superiority and the inferiority of others. It wants you to believe that momentary indiscretions and some ethical blips are okay. It wants to slip in “treats” of drugs and porn and candy. It wants you to be beholden to the embodiment of your fears and greed, and lay waste to anything that stands in your way. As you confidently state, “Not a fucking chance, no!” to some of the uglier thoughts you can also say, “That is definitely not the person I am.” Discriminate against your voices that discriminate and segregate, so that in you are always the person you want to be.

Mindful Living

I’ve written a few blogs about our purpose in life but I have neglected to talk about how to align our lives to our purpose when it’s so easy to simply exist.

Mindfulness is not just about feeling our breath in our body or the chair against our bum. Mindfulness is being alert to whatever is a focal portion of the present. The present consists of an infinite number of focal points, so our free will gets to choose where we direct our attention. But take note that humans are both thinking creatures and creatures driven by purpose. The assumption is that what we do, we do to achieve a preconceived and desirable outcome. Yes, I know, this is very often not the case because impulsivity exists and people can often just go through the motions without thinking too much about it. But doing that fails to achieve your outcomes; rather it blindly achieves those of others, and we are way too awesome to succumb to that.

If you want to be more than an automaton, robotically going through life, for all actions you must ask yourself “why am I doing this?” And if the answer is anything but the outcome you want to achieve, then you need to change tack. Doing this aligns your actions to your objectives, and in the process assumedly also expresses your values and preferences. This is how to live life deliberately and in a way that achieves success on your terms.

Let’s start with a complex example. You want your kid to feel loved and your kid likes to play hockey, however your kid is not doing well in school and therefore should not play hockey and rather concentrate on his studies. Do you bring your kid to Sunday practice? Yes, if your objective is for your kid to feel loved. However, if your objective is that your want to kid to be loved, and loving someone often means doing what’s best over what’s most enjoyable, then the action changes completely and junior stays home to hit the books.

Now let’s use an easy example. You are texting with your partner and you’re in some big bloody hurry. You ask yourself why you are texting. If the answer is to resolve who is picking up the loaf of bread after work, you can be mechanical and logistical. However, if your objective (which may not be front of mind while you’re all busy) is to ensure you get your Wonder bread and to make your partner feel loved or special, you will need to sprinkle in some flirtation, care, or some other kind of relational magic that really costs you nothing but achieves so ridiculously much.

Per our examples, answering why really defines who you are. In the first example you chose to be either a buddy-parent or a parenting-parent, and in the second example you chose to be a mechanical bread beast or a loving, thoughtful partner who also loves gluten. The choice is yours to be whoever you like, and as you see, the difference in a relational context is mindblowingly vast simply from the slightest nuanced tweaks in the answer to the why question. So take the time to question “why” of all of your actions, and for each, give ’em a tweak to align to your objectives. And if your objectives suck, stop sucking. It’s too easy to be awesome and show some love and care and thoughtfulness in any exchange.

Prognostication Excellence à la Life Architecture

Have you ever wanted to know the future? It’s time I shared a little trick so that you, too, can accurately predict the future.

We can classify all things in the world as either predictable or random. When I flip my light switch, the light comes on…provided that the bulb doesn’t randomly blow out. When I drive my car to work I get to work…provided that some random event does not prevent this. My heart pumps blood throughout my body predictably….until it randomly stops.

The predictable stuff is quite knowable. Much is part of the natural functioning of the universe, and the rest comes from our decisions. The latter is what gives me my magical powers.

When someone makes a decision, and that decision will be carried out in the natural world, how it will unfold is quite predictable. If someone chooses to overeat chicken wings, they will gain weight. Neglecting to acknowledge someone’s birthday – that has predictable consequences. Move to a small town and the impact on your dating life is pretty predictable. All of this is not exactly rocket science but when it comes to seeing our own lives through this lens, for some reason we are blind.

Much of our lives are pretty predictable too once it’s clear how we express our personality. If someone has an anger management issue or another form of emotional dysregulation, no big deal, but if you know that they express this to loved ones in their household, then one can predict strife, discomfort, and of course, proactive measures to avoid an episode that may appear as concealment or secrecy. If someone has avoidant attachment, guess what? They will avoid attachment and be predictably distant.

It seems the magic here is in seeing yourself. We know if someone is volatile and going to explode quite predictably. Do you see your own characteristics and how they predictably manifest? Patterns often point directly to the cause that’s within you. Have you never had a relationship of depth? Predictably you won’t if you don’t offer that or don’t prioritize relationships in this way. Such is the zen of life architecture. How you choose to be and live predictably results in the life you have. It’s as simple as overeating wings. If you live in a place that precludes you from commuting to work, you can’t hold that job. If your emotional dysregulation precludes you from having terrorism in your relationship, the end result is predictable. And if you don’t show love in action, you cannot receive it.

I’m not saying you’re now ready to set a psychic business at your home, but with some practice you will see that almost all things are entirely predictable, and to know this about others, and see it in yourself, is a most valuable and rewarding skill.

Healthy Skepticism

There are a lot of folks out there with some pretty terrific stories. One that keeps coming up in my feeds is the 26-year-old who owns 6 properties and is being interviewed for what must be unique savvy and investing acumen. Today’s story pushed me to blogging when my feed was more self congratulation about tremendous weight loss for doing some inane diet.

We are wired to believe that when someone attains something remarkable or enviable, they have something to teach us. Dumas famously said, “nothing succeeds like success.” This is true, but we need to be more discriminating about what comprises success.

We are in a global real estate bubble that has rewarded property owners with two-year returns ranging from 35% to many multiples of the purchase price. Money has been essentially free, with many trillions of dollars printed and borrowed and flooded into most economies. So whether you held property or aluminum or used cars, every one of those things has gone up a lot in value. Does a once-in-a-lifetime pandemic-response of (irresponsibly) flooding every economy with oceans of cash make every holder of property a genius? No, it actually is the opposite. If the world is sick and businesses and consumers are in lockdown for a year, and you are stupid enough to leverage yourself to the tits, you were rewarded for your stupidity and greed with luck. Is there something to be learned here? Of course. Never listen to this person because (a) they now are dangerously emboldened by their own investment prowess despite having none, and (b) they will spout advice that is irresponsible and harmful. Luck is not success, and when someone wins the lottery, only a fool thinks that they have a technique that can be learned.

Back to our dieter who lost over 100lbs. This is remarkable that someone lost so much weight, yes? Actually, it’s not. When someone is carrying a lot of extra weight, the body has to burn a lot of extra calories just to move around. Gaining an extra 100lbs, for those without a medical condition, is a feat that requires years of overeating. It is a lifestyle that consumes the diet of 2 or 3 people to achieve and to maintain. So our savvy dieter merely needs only to eat like one person and they will lose weight with no restrictions at all, no exercise, nothing. This is not a special diet and is not a secret that needs to be shared. If they did use a special diet while losing the weight, that improperly correlates the diet with the weight loss that would have occurred regardless once a more sensible quantity of food was chosen. Is eating a responsible quantity of food “success”? Probably not one you’ll see on motivational posters any time soon.

I’ve never been a fan of the notion that a long marriage is a successful one. I’ve met lots of people who were married for lots of years and they were miserable. Not all, but enough to know that they stayed together because they believed that long marriages are “successful” ones irrespective of the lived experience.

Remember that correlation does not mean causation, and for most everything, there are other reasons why things happen. Be healthy in your skepticism to try to see where overly simplistic models mislead us into finding causal relationships, which hopefully prevents us from worshipping these false idols of success.